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Discussion & Study Guide

Embracing Our Sexuality

Embracing Our Sexuality: Women Talk About Sex

About the Study Guide

This study guide provides information to supplement Embracing Our Sexuality: Women Talk About Sex and is designed to facilitate in-depth discussion of the videotape. It includes a synopsis of the program, notes on preparing and leading discussions and additional resources for exploring female sexuality.

About the Video

Embracing Our Sexuality is a compelling and moving glimpse into the candid conversations of nine women who gathered together for a weekend retreat to talk about sex. The women range in age from 21 to 71 and come from differing racial/ethnic backgrounds. They are lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual. In this intimate video produced, directed, and taped by women, we see the warmth and honesty which evolves among the women as they share their questions, experiences, and concerns with each other.

During the weekend the women laughed together, cried together, and danced together. They shared something about themselves: about the messages they got as women about sex and sexuality, about menstruation and masturbation, about fantasies and orgasms, about sexual orientation and relationships, and about the effect of AIDS and sexual abuseon their lives.

Embracing Our Sexuality is a powerful and evocative videotape which encourages conversations in women's groups, men's groups, and general audiences. Teachers in women's studies, psychology, sociology, and human sexuality courses will find it a valuable resource for facilitating discussions on gender socialization, sexuality, and sexual orientation issues. Clinicians and sex educators will find it a useful tool in their work with women and men of all ages and sexual orientations. The video is 45 minutes long.

Embracing Our Sexuality is a companion piece to the critically acclaimed Finding Our Way. Each videotape can be shown separately.

Because of our desire to respect the privacy of the women's partners, we asked them to refrain from talking about their relationships. As a result, the women speak about their sexual needs and desires apart from specific relationships.

Synopsis

Embracing Our Sexuality was produced to counteract the artificial Hollywood images of women and sexuality. These images have been difficult to dispel because there are few public forums for women to discuss their sexual experiences, thoughts, and feelings.

The video begins with informal scenes of some of the women arriving at the conference center where the weekend retreat takes place. This is followed by some close-ups of several of the women each making a general statement about her sexuality.

Group discussion begins with the question of what messages the women received from their families about sexuality. Sympathetic laughter accompanies Sharon's story about her mother's disapproval of masturbation. The tone is set for the other stories of painful messages from families. This leads to the revelation by several group members of incest and sexual abuse experiences, and the first session ends with Carmen saying, "I am sitting here, my heart is racing since this came up. I feel nervous, jittery, and that feels uncomfortable . . . Just let me acknowledge it." Anna, responding, suggests that the group move closer together.

In the next section, the women spontaneously talk about their first experiences with menstruation, varying from Sharon's and Margaret's surprise at its unexpected arrival to Yvonne's and Carmen's longed-for anticipation of being grown up at last.

With the growing comfort the women are feeling, Susan asks the group to talk about masturbation. The women respond about its pleasures and limitations. For the first time, Sharon takes the risk of stating explicitly something about her own sexual behavior, laughing with relief from the realization that her experiences are not uncommon. Then the women discuss the types and uses of vibrators, and Yvonne, encouraged by the group, shares her elaborated sexual fantasy.

The discussion turns to celibacy. Margaret describes celibacy as a healing process in her recovery from incest. Yvonne agrees, "Sex is about the ability to say 'no' and 'yes'," and that you have to learn both words." Sydney and Kathe talk about the abstinence as a natural part of changes in their relationships. And Meg acknowledges the feeling of safety it gives her.

This subject leads to a discussion of virginity, and Anna's question of what it feels like to have a man's penis inside. The women respond to this difficult question with their personal experiences, both fulfilling and disappointing.

The next topic concerns what turns the women on sexually. After a quick conversation about physical attributes in a partner, Susan says, "There is something to be said for a good kiss. With all the passion, with all the warmth, the wetness, everything." Sydney admits that she needs a certain sized penis , and is teased good-naturedly.

Kathe asks how practicing safer sex affects the sexual relationship. Sharon is explicit about her safe practices, including the importance of communicating with a partner, and making specific agreements before they are sexually stimulated.

In the section on orgasms, Yvonne talks about the variety of feelings they create, including one kind in which an inner contraction leads to an ejaculation of liquid, adding: "Somebody else better say that happens to them!" This is followed by laughter and agreement. Carmen talks about the physical changes in her body; Sharon about not having goal-oriented sex.

To the question, "What do you like to do sexually with a partner," there is a wide range of answers: sleeping naked together, group sex with women, foreplay, seduction, actively giving a partner sexual joy, oral sex, and talking while making love. Carmen comments,

"Throughout this conversation with lesbian women here, I am finding that you guys are awfully creative." Carmen asks the women if sperm smells like chlorox. This evokes a burst of laughter offstage from the director and crew. All the women join in the contagious laughter.

The video ends as it began, with shots of the women embracing each other as they prepare to leave, interspersed with close-up assessments of what several of the women derived from their participation. "I will take away a real gift of trying to say 'yes' to life . . . not so many 'I don'ts' or 'I won'ts'," says Margaret.

Preparing for the Screening

To best facilitate discussion, you may want to consider the following before showing the video.

 

• Know your own reactions to the video. Be sure that you have seen the program and examined your own feelings before trying to facilitate a discussion. It's easy to confuse your own reactions with those of the viewers. Consider previewing the program with a friend or colleague.
  
  
• Know your audience. Why are these people interested in female sexuality? What experience do they have talking openly about sexuality in general? Don't assume that members of the audience are either experienced or inexperienced; don't assume that all viewers are equally comfortable with the topic. It is safer to assume that the group will be diverse and to prepare yourself for that diversity.
  
  
• Know your objectives. Why are you showing this video? What do you want your audience to learn? What do you want them to do as a result of seeing the program? It's appropriate to let the group know your agenda, especially if you are requiring attendance at the viewing.
  
  
• Prepare the physical space. If you want viewers to comfortably discuss the material in the program with one another, then arrange the space so that they will be able to see and talk with one another after viewing the video. Rooms with comfortable and moveable seats will encourage people to relax and focus on one another. If you are anticipating a large group, then make sure that the monitors are large enough and sufficient in number so that all the members of the audience can comfortably view the program. Having to strain to see the program will frustrate many viewers.

Introducing the Video

It is helpful to introduce the program before showing it. This will prepare the audience for the experience. You might consider doing the following.

 

• Give the group some background on the topic. You may want to read a quote or anecdote from another source which establishes the notion that female sexuality is mysterious and seldom discussed. Depending on the comfort and familiarity of the group, you may want to ask them about their perceptions of female sexuality and the questions they have. You may even want to talk more personally about the questions you've had about women's sexuality; in fact, talking to the group about your personal interest in the topic may make it easier for them to talk about their personal interests, if that is one of your objectives.
  
  
• Give the group some background about the video, including what it is as well as what it is not. Even though the video has a brief narrative at the beginning which describes the setting, you may want to give your own overview of the video. You might include a statement or two about what the video isn't: it isn't explicit visual material, it isn't an instructional program on sexual function, and it isn't a statement about all aspects of sexuality nor is it intended to represent all women's views of themselves. It is, however, a record of the discussions which actually occurred between nine women over the course of a weekend.
  
  
• Give the group your reasons for showing the video. These may include your objectives for the group as well as your own personal interests related to the topic.
  
  
• Give the group one or more tasks as they watch the video. Tell them some things to think about as they watch the video. Let them know there will be discussion after the video about the issues and their reactions. You might ask, "Be aware of your reactions to particular women in the program" or "Be aware of the questions and insights you have about your own sexuality as you watch these women explore their sexuality."

Discussing the Video

You are acting as both an instructor and a facilitator. In general, people, both young and old, learn best when they are left to themselves; lecturing can make people resistant to information which challenges their values and assumptions. Do not try to convince anyone in the group that there is one right way to express sexuality: while you may believe that there is a moral high road, the women in the video are witness to the diverse nature of female sexuality. They each seem to have taken a path which, upon their reflection, is best for them.

Instead, draw people out. Encourage people to talk about what they think and feel. People will talk both in the abstract and the personal. Both are appropriate. Offer your own personal perspectives in a way that models what you are asking them to do and demonstrates your involvement in the discussion. Your primary role is to energize, focus, and stimulate discussion.

Having said the above, there are times when it is very helpful to give basic information about sexuality. In this culture, sexuality is generally viewed as a very personal and private affair; while it is personal and private, people have a right to information which in many cases has been denied to them because of embarrassed parents or guardians, frightened or moralistic public school educators, and even government censorship. Consequently, there is a place for instruction in the context of discussing personal relations to this program.

It's helpful to give the audience an idea at the beginning of the discussion of how long things will last. Doing this can help prevent the group from dwindling away. Also, let people know when there are about 10 minutes left and start wrapping up the discussion.

General Discussion Questions

 

1. What stands out most for you in the video?
2. With what part of the video did you most identify?
3. With what part of the video were you uncomfortable?
4. Did you learn any new information about women and their sexuality?
5. What do you wish the women talked about that wasn't in the video?
6. How do your experiences with sexuality relate to those discussed?

Classroom Activities

The following questions and activities might be useful in facilitating discussion or exploring in more depth some of the topics raised in the video.

Family messages

Go around the room and state one message you got from your family.

• How did you get that message?
  
  
• Was it something directly stated, something observed, or was there some other way that the message was communicated to you?
  
  
• How old were you at the time?
  
  
• Family messages change. List some messages and the age at which you received them. You can chart the messages on a life graph.
  
  
• Discuss the question: Are women's messages different from men's?

Societal messages

In addition to messages from our families, we also get messages from the larger society either through books, magazines, television, advertising, school, or friends.

• What are some of the common messages to women about their sexuality?
  
  
• What messages did you get about women' sexuality from society? Where did they come from? What did you do as a result of them?
  
  
• Very early in the video, a number of the women discuss the impact of sexual abuse and rape in their lives. Did that surprise you? How does sexual abuse and fear of sexual violence affect women' s sexuality?
  
  
• How do societal messages about women's sexuality vary based on age, race, class, physical disability, and sexual orientation?
  
  
• One of the women in the video, Meg, is over 70. How did you feel hearing her talk about sex? Discuss the physical and psychological effects of aging on older women's sexuality.

Menstruation

 

• Make a list of all the synonyms you can come up with for "menstruation." Discuss the connotations of these terms.
  
  
• For women, how old were you when you started menstruating? What happened? How were you prepared?
  
  
• For men, when did you first learn about menstruation? How did that happen? What did you think?
  
  
• Were there any rituals about menarche in your family? (For example, family goes out to dinner father buys daughter roses, ritual slap across face, etc.) Were there other rituals that marked a girl's transition into womanhood? Was menarche discussed?
  
  
• Read Gloria Steinem's humorous article "If men could menstruate" and discuss the sociocultural issues of gender and sexuality. See bibliography.

Masturbation

 

• When did you first masturbate? What did you do? How did you discover masturbation? How did you feel?
  
  
• Susan, asks the other women in the film "What is masturbation?" This is a good discussion question. What is the difference between physical and mental self-arousal? Are both masturbation?
  
  
• Discuss the various ways women can masturbate.
  
  
• There is a lot of humorous discussion among the women in the film about vibrators. Carmen has never seen one and asks what they are like. You could have a sex-toy party at which participants can see the various vibrators and other sex toys for women. Good Vibrations in California or Eve's Garden in New York both have mail order catalogues.

Celibacy

 

• Sydney compares her sexuality to a bear: "It hibernates in the winter time. When there's nothing around it just goes to sleep." Have there been periods of celibacy in your life? Were they intentional or unintentional?
  
  
• What are societal attitudes toward women who choose to be celibate for all or part of their lives?

Virginity

 

• What associations do you have to the word "virgin?"
  
  
• Anna asks the other women in the video "What does losing your virginity feel like?" How would you answer Anna?
  
  
• Some lesbians feel that they have two experiences of losing their virginity: one when first having sexual intercourse with a man; the other when making love with a woman for the first time. Have you felt "virginal" more than once?

Attractions

 

• The women in the video were asked what turns them on sexually. Susan talks about kissing, Kathy describes "smooth and silky skin," Carmen talks about a sense of humor, and Sydney mentions penis size. What turns you on sexually?
  
  
• Sharon says that she looks for different things from male lovers and from female lovers. What do you find attractive in a man? What do you find attractive in a woman?

Orgasms

 

• There are lots of analogies that women use to describe orgasm: waves of passion, a roller coaster, an explosion. How would you describe your orgasms?
  
  
• As Margaret reminds us, not all women are orgasmic. Why do you think some women aren't orgasmic? Do you think it is necessary for a woman to have orgasm in order to have a good sexual experience?
  
  
• There are a number of books written for pre-orgasmic women. A good one to read and discuss is Lonnie Barbach's For Yourself.

Safe Sex

 

• What do you know about HIV and women? A good book to read is Safe Encounters: How Women Can Say Yes to Pleasure and No to Unsafe Sex by Beverly Whipple and Gina Ogden.
  
  
• What do you do to avoid HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases like chlamydia, vaginal infections, and herpes?
  
  
• How do safer sex practices affect your sexual relationships and intimacy with partners?

Sexual Activities

 

• The women discuss various activities that they find pleasurable. How important is penetration to you? What about oral sex? Discuss other sexual activities that women find pleasurable.
  
  
• Carmen says she is surprised at how creative lesbian women are in the sexual activities. There aren't many sex manuals for lesbian women. (See Sisley and Harris). Discuss some of the ways lesbian women can be sexual with each other.
  
  
• Kathe talks about how important it is for her to be active sexually. Do you think it is difficult for women to be sexual initiators? Why?
  
  
• Carmen says she likes to talk while making love. How do you feel about talking and sexual noises?
  
  
• If you are sexual with both men and women, is what you like to do with women different from what you like to do with men?

Women Talking With Women

 

• The participants, facilitators, and crew who made this video were women. Do you think it would have been different if there were men present while the film was being made?
  
  
• Watch the film Finding Our Way and note the differences in the way men and women discuss sex.
  
  
• How do you think it would have been different if, instead of a group women, there was a mixed group of men and women talking about sex?
  
  
• Do men talk about their sexuality differently?

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Bibliography

Barbach, L.(1975). For yourself. NY: Doubleday.
Self help for pre-orgasmic women.

Barbach. Lonnie (1986). Erotic interludes. NY: Harper and Row.
Sexual and erotic fantasies for women.

Bass, Ellen and Davis, Laura (1988). The courage to heal. NY: Harper and Row.
Self help for survivors of sexual abuse.

Boston Women's Health Book Collective. (1992). The New Our Bodies Ourselves. NY: Simon and Schuster.
The classic source for information about women's health and sexuality.

Brecher, E. (1984). Love sex and aging. Boston: Little Brown.
Reports of a survey of people ages 53-90 on sexuality.

Brownmiller, Susan (1975). Against our will: Men, women, and rape. NY: Simon & Schuster.
A classic work on rape.

Delaney, J., Lupton, M.J. & Toth, E. (1976). The curse: A cultural history of menstruation. NY: New American Library.
Just what the title says.

D'Emilio, John & Freedman, Estelle B. (1988). Intimate matters: A History of Sexuality in America. NY: Harper & Row.
A study of the relationships between sexuality, economics, and social attitudes through American History.

Dodson, Betty (1993). Sex for one. NY: Harmony Books.
Masturbation for women.

Doress, Paula Brown and Siegal, Diana Laskin (1994). Ourselves growing older. NY: Simon and Schuster.
A classic about women and aging. Addresses physical and sexual changes.

Friday, Nancy (1991). Women on top: Real life has changed women's sexual fantasies. NY: Simon & Schuster.
A new look at women's sexual fantasies.

Harrison, Michelle (1985). Self help for menstrual syndrome. NY: Random House.
What the title says.

Heiman, Julia and LoPiccolo, Joseph (1989). Becoming orgasmic: A sexual growth program for women. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall.
A widely used program for pre-orgasmic women.

Hite, Shere (1976). The Hite report. NY: Dell.
A nationwide study of female sexuality.

Loulan, Joanne (1984). Lesbian sex. San Francisco: Spinsters/Aunt Lute.
Describes lesbian relationships and sexual activities includes self-help exercises.

Love, Susan (1990). Dr. Susan Love's breast book. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley.
The classic on breast cancer. Includes how it affects sexuality.

Ogden, Gina (1994). Women who love sex. NY: Pocketbooks.
What the title says.

Sisley, E.L. & Harris, B. (1977). The Joy of lesbian sex. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Steinam, Gloria. (October, 1978). "If men could menstruate", Ms

Whipple, Beverly and Ogden, Gina (1989). Safe encounters: How women can say yes to pleasure and no to unsafe sex. NY: McGraw Hill.
Women and sex in the age of AIDS.

Films / Videos

AIDS: Women and Sexuality. Multi-focus (17 min).
Seven women discuss their concerns about AIDS.

Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual Growth Program for Women.
Multi-Focus. A series of three films designed for women who have difficulty experiencing orgasm with a male partner.

Grand Opening. International focus (30 min).
A slide show of female genitalia.

Rose by Any Other Name. Multi-focus (15 min).
The struggles of a 79 year old woman in a nursing home who establishes a sexual relationship with a male resident and faces the opposition of both the staff and her family.

Self Health. Multi-Focus, (23 min).
A little dated but discusses the women's self help movement and demonstrates breast and vaginal self exam.

Self Loving Multi-Focus (34 min).
Heterosexual, bisexual and lesbian women talk about masturbation.

Sex and the Handicapped. Multi-Focus (18 min).
People with disabilities talk about sex. Still Killing Us Softly. (1987) (32 min) Cambridge Documentary Films.
Show how the media use women's bodies and women to sell products.

Susan. Multi-Focus (16 min). Sexually explicit.
A woman demonstrates various methods of masturbation.

Variations in Female Masturbation. CMSS (27 min). Sexually explicit.
Five different women are shown using various techniques of masturabation.

We are Ourselves. Multi-Focus (15 min). Sexually explicit.
A lesbian couple.

Finding Our Way: Men Talk About Sex and Sexuality. (40Min). New Day Films.
Companion film to Embracing Our Sexuality.

Distributors:

Cambridge Documentry Films, P.O. Box 385 Cambridge, MA 02139 (617-354-3677)

Focus International, Inc. 14 Oregon Drive, Huntington Station, NY 11746 (800-843-0305).

Multi-Focus, 1525 Franklin Street, San Francisco, CA 94109 (800-821-0514)

New Day Films, 22D Holly wood Ave., Hohokus, NJ 07423 (201-652-6590).

 

© 1995 Bianca Cody Murphy, Mark Lipman, and Jennifer Campion

All rights reserved. Additional copies of this study guide may be made for classroom use.

Embracing Our Sexuality is licensed for educational and non-theatrical use only with non-paying audiences. Purchase, rental, or preview of the program does not include rights to altered, duplicated, reproduced (by videotape or other means), televised or electronically transmitted in whole or in part without specific written authorization from New Day Films.